Kefka's Trip
by Voltaire IV
Summary: What happens when Kefka obtains weed?


Kefka's Trip A fan fiction by Voltaire IV

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"UWEEHEEHEEHEEHEE"  
The familiar maniacal laugh echoed throughout the hallways of Kefka's Tower.  
"This beats everything!" giggled the psychotic demi-god, "The power of the goddesses are at my disposal... I've got a cult following of brainwashed innocent people... The only thing missing in my life is a ticket to System of a Down's concert"  
The evil Kefka perused his thoughts carefully and came to a sad realization.  
"Oh fuck, I blew up every concert hall in the world. Except for that damn Opera House"  
Kefka banged his head against the wall in a fit of rage, having realized that he will never be able to see his favorite band play live.  
"Kefka Palazzo you flippin' idiot!" he said, mutilating himself more and more each passing second, "I HATE YOU! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU"  
Kefka jumped off of his tower and landed with a thud. His bones cracked everywhere but he healed himself with magic. He then walked to Thamasa superhumanly fast. Everybody backed away from him in paranoid fear as he strode past them. Mothers protected their children in their arms as the madman tyrant passed them by, his pale make-up freaking the hell out of everyone.  
Everyone except for one very interesting-looking fellow.  
Kefka raised an eyebrow at this fellow. "Who the fuck are you"  
"JAHAHA," he laughed in a high-pitched falsetto, "I'm Kefka"  
"Shut up!" bellowed Kefka, "I'M Kefka"  
"HI KEFKA!" said the oddball man, swaying around, "I'm Kefka"  
"Where on earth do you get your weed..." Kefka asked him, not expecting an answer.  
"Want some?" he whispered, "100 GP"  
"Hmm, I'm probably going to regret this, but ok," said Kefka in a bored tone. He handed the bum 100 GP and then used the tower's Light of Judgment to fry his ass goodbye.  
"Hah, useless pawn!" laughed Kefka, "YOU ARE ALL PAWNS! DIEEEE"  
Kefka's Light of Judgment fries up the entire town of Thamasa, killing everyone in it except Kefka, who has become blackened from the fire.  
"Did I say 'go,' dumbass!"

Kefka brought the weed to his tower and walked all the way to the top.  
"HELL YEAH!" he screeched, "I'm going to get higher than how high I am on this tower! UWAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA"  
In a moment of spotanaeity, Kefka took the weed from the bum. Suddenly, his already demented vision of the world turned purple and green and twisted all about. He looked at his pale hands, which turned rainbow colors. He ran to the bathroom and barfed a little bit, and then noticed that his hair was pink and his skin was bright, flourescent green.  
"EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL!" roared a delighted Kefka, "I MUST BE IN A BEATLES MUSIC VIDEO! MWAHAHAHAHAHA"  
Kefka found himself, in a funny-shaped cartoon form, onboard the yellow submarine. He glanced around, enjoying every second of his amazing journey. And then he saw the most bizarre thing: A band that looked as if they were from the 1960's.  
"Silly haircuts! Funny clothing! Idiot fangirls adoring your every motions!" said an awestruck Kefka, "YOU MUST BE SYSTEM OF A DOWN"  
"No stupid, we're the Beatles!" said a man with a left-handed violin bass, "I'm Paul McCartney"  
"They call me John Lennon," said another man with longer hair and an electric guitar.  
"I'm Ringo Starr," said their drummer.  
"And I'm George Harrison," said their other guitarist.  
"I'm Kefka Palazzo, and I am your fascist leader! UWAHAHAHA"  
"Alright! Let's go on a musical journey!" said Paul.  
Kefka and the Beatles journeyed around on the yellow submarine. Kefka's eyes were ultra-wide with astonishment and bliss. There were funny creatures all around him, and he had never been so care-free in his whole life. He loved each and every second of it, and oh how he adored the beautiful violin bass that Paul McCartney owned!  
"SOMEBODY FUCK ME!" screamed Kefka, "I'M IN HEAVEN"  
"Sing along, Kefka!" said Paul. Kefka joined in their glorious chorus.  
"We all live in the yellow submarine, the yellow submarine, yellow submarine," Kefka joined in their glorious song, "we all live in the yellow submarine, the yellow submarine, yellow submarine."

A couple of colorful hours later, Kefka finds himself in a boat on a river. He is lying down on his back, with his arms folded behind his colorful head. The skies are prettyful circular patterns the color of marmalade.  
"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh," was all Kefka could blurt out of his drugged mouth.  
Just then, somebody called Kefka. He answered quite slowly.  
"Who the fuck are you"  
It was a girl with caleidoscope eyes. She looked very abstract.  
"I'm Celes"  
"Stupid, Celes doesn't have eyes like that," said Kefka, "even an idiot would know that"  
"Fuck me!" said Celes.  
"Shut up!" shrieked a nervous Kefka, "SHUT UP"  
Kefka cast his hand at her, and she was swallowed by flames. Eventually, she became a pile of ashes. Kefka rowed his boat up to the ashes and ate it.  
"Mmm, tastes like minestrone soup!" he chimed, licking his fingers.  
Kefka rowed down the river and saw a train station on a hill. He docked his boat at the shore and stepped off of it, but found that he was in water. Because you see, he forgot to... Dock his boat. He thought it was at the shore, but it was actually at least 20 feet away. Kefka struggled to swim to the shore, his clowny robes pulling him down. Eventually, he made it to the shore and walked all the way up the hill to the train station.  
"Where the heck am I!" he said, wonderstruck.  
"All aboard the Phantom Train!" said a plastescene man with a looking glass tie. He had a funny blue moustache, and yellow engineer clothes.  
"The Phantom Train?" said Kefka to himself, "I always wanted to ride that but I never died"  
Kefka took out a knife and stabbed himself in the heart several times. He died a slow and painful death, his blood dripping out a tiny little bit at a time.  
"You're not dead yet," said the porter man, "Here; I'll help you"  
The porter took out a rifle and shot Kefka in the head several times. Kefka's brains splashed everywhere, and its purple liquid stained the entire hill. Kefka had died.  
"YEEHAAW!" roared Kefka, "I'M DEAD, BITCHES"  
Suddenly, a girl with caleidoscope eyes came up to him.  
Kefka stared at her. "WTF? I killed you already"  
"I'm Celes! Fuck m"  
Kefka took the porter's rifle and shot her in the chest, stomach, and face. She died, the whole entire hill turning crimson red.  
Kefka took the train to wherever the hell it took him. The train ride was 40 billion hours long, but Kefka was too high to realize, so it felt as if the journey took a mere 2 minutes.  
So 2 minutes later, Kefka arrived in a strange location.  
"Great, am I stuck in another Beatles song?" asked Kefka, who was obviously getting bored of the band, "Or am I in another world... NAH not likely"  
"Hi, I'm Rikku," said a weird blonde girl in a bikini, "And I like to run around nakieee"  
"Hi, I'm Kefka," said Kefka, "And I hate you! I HAAAAAAAAAATEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU"  
Kefka blasted Rikku with another fire spell. Her tiny body went up in flames, and her blackened, red, skinless corpse fell to the ground. Kefka took a big bite.  
"Hmm, this one tastes more like V8 tomato juice," said Kefka thoughtfully.  
Kefka ran around in his clown clothes, which mysteriously turned a white color. His face was rainbow-colored, and his eyes were at least six times bigger than before. His belly was huge like Homer Simpson's, and he had a lollipop in his left hand.  
"I must be in Spira!" he screamed.  
"This is your story now," said Auron, walking up to him. Auron was a fierce man.  
"HEY I KNOW YOU!" said Auron, "You're Cyan Garamonde, one of my arch-enemies"  
"Uh, I'm Auron," he said, confused.  
"STFU! You can't fool me, Cyan!" said Kefka. In his mind, he thought, "Wow, he made a great fake accent"  
Kefka blasted Cyan's head off. I mean, Auron. Blood splattered all over Kefka. He licked his lips, sucking in blood. His tongue extended, and licked off all of the blood from his body.  
"You're dumb," said Yoshi.  
"STFU, rip-off!" said Kefka, who blew Yoshi into five pieces.  
Kefka threw off his clown clothes and his pale naked ass ran around everywhere. Eventually he saw someone with spiky brown hair and funny, baggy clothes.  
"Man I'm so emo right now," said Sora, the kid with spiky hair.  
"Why's that?" Kefka asked him.  
"I just got pwned by a noob," said Sora.  
"Why did you go around picking fights?" asked Kefka, "What are you, a stupidbrain"  
"It wasn't MY fault that Squall wanted the keyblade for himself, I mean LEON!" screamed Sora.  
Suddenly, Kefka catapaulted into the air and flew through the beautiful skies. Below, he saw an industrial-looking town surrounded by reactors.  
"Looks ugly. It should go," thought Kefka to himself. He blasted Midgar to smithereens with a powerful laser beam attack. The remains smoked hotly afterwards.  
Kefka flew through fluffy red clouds. He saw an airship full of fat moogles and chocobos with Cuban cigars in their mouths.  
"I'm the king of the world!" yelled Kefka. However, as he was flying, he began to fall.  
"Uh-oh, the weed is losing its effect. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"  
Kefka's flight started to significantly lose its altitude near a volcano. He fell closer and closer, slowly and bit by bit, into the mouth of the firey pits of Mt. Doom.  
"Mr. Frodo! You must destroy the ring!" said Samwise Gamgee from inside the volcano.  
"No! I must eat it!" insisted Frodo.  
"Gollum commits suicide, yes we will!" said Gollum, jumping into the lava for no reason.  
Kefka struggled to fly back upwards. Unfortunately, he couldn't.  
"Look Mr. Frodo, a naked orc!" said Sam.  
"No stupid, it's Kefka from F-F-V-I," said Frodo, correcting his stupid friend.  
Kefka eventually became too close to the hot lava to be rescued.  
"NOOOO!" he yelled.  
Kefka fell into the lava. His body burned up in to a crisp, but he was able to climb up the rocks. He had only one limb, which was his left arm.  
Obi-Wan Kenobi walked up to Kefka's stump. "YOU WERE MY BROTHER"  
"No stupid, you're British and I'm... I'm... Uh..." Kefka was stumped, "I HATE YOU OBI-WAN"  
Kefka's body was burning up and Obi-Wan left. Suddenly, the evil Sith Lord Darth Sidious arrived.  
"I'm going to have a lot of evil fun with you, heeheehee," said Sidious, "Once I'm through with you NO ONE will even recognize you, baby"  
"NOOOOOOOOO!" said Kefka. In an effort to save his virginity, Kefka used a self-destructing magic to kill himself and Sidious in the process.  
And that is how Kefka died THE END.  
No questions asked. 


End file.
